Interesting Correlation

I'm finding that there's an interesting correlation between my developing education philosophy and my parenting philosophy. After completing a chapter on education philosophy in one of my classes, I have to say that I identify more with student-led teaching, specifically progressivism. In parenting, I strongly believe in attachment parenting, child-led weaning, positive discipline, no spanking, etc. I just thought that was kind of neat.

Time...

Where does the time go? Each day, I wake up and have all of these wonderful Waldorf-inspired ideas about activities to do with Dylan and Addi. We'll read some fairy tales, recite some daily verses...maybe I'll print out some coloring pages to go with the fairy tales, or maybe we'll do a craft. We can dress up with the play silks and costumes and act out the fairy tale, and maybe we can play a game, too!

Then I start doing my schoolwork, to get it out of the way so I can devote the rest of the morning to the kids. :::sigh::: By then, we're lucky to get through reading the fairy tales before it's time for lunch and then time to pick Connor up from school. I give Connor some downtime, then let him read to me and try to decide if it's worth the battle to get him to do his daily 15 minutes of writing (but they tell me he doesn't qualify for OT...yeah, whatever). Time for dinner, baths, and bed, and I realize I never got around to that craft project.

I try to assuage my guilt by telling myself that I'm doing this for them, that we'll all be better off after I graduate. But I still feel like I've let them down, a little. I fantasize about homeschooling, then I head off to bed, grabbing a little precious sleep before I get up and do it all over again.

A dream...

I've been thinking too much lately about the life I didn't choose. Now those thoughts are even seeping into my subconscious. I dreamed last night that I was at a karaoke bar with Jessica and ran into someone I knew in high school, someone who was kind of a mentor to me when I was involved in theater. I listened with envy as she told me about her life; when it was my turn to share with her the direction my life has taken, the disappointment was evident upon her face. She verbally chided me: "You had so much potential, you really could have been something." Now I know this person would never say such things to me in real life—I'm sure that in my dream, she's symbolic of the life I didn't choose. Why can't I be content? Why do I always feel that something is missing from my life?